she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize