Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
