I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
