I'm laying in your front yard are you home
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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