I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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