I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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