My first STD was from a foam party
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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