She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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