You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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