Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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