I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
