I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
