My nipple is on Facebook.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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