Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
