Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize