His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
