oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My vagina is very pro this idea
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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