Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
