Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
