I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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