Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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