Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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