I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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