How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
