I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
