Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize