she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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