This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
