Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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