she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
