You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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