I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
