I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
