Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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