I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
smell my finger.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
