i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
