I'm passing your future prison.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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