I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Operation Purity has been aborted
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
