so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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