Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
