Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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