mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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