You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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