I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
