Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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