so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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