Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize