Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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