I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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