Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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