Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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