I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize