Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
