So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
