There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
