Only a mothe r could love this liver
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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