Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
we're making bets on your personal life
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
