Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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